i. and love. and you (and other apathetic ponderings)

it seems as though i only think to express my thoughts with the changing of the seasons.
maybe the change in temperature motivates me...
or relaxes me...
or makes me happy.

God only knows.

it is funny how much time can pass in an individuals life without the mindset that they have changing at all. some call it stability. i call it apathy.

apathy is a scary concept...
it prevents change...
it prevents growth...
it prevents individual thought.

at times I actually LOVE apathy. don't YOU?

it is my escape from reality. my escape from a life that in my selfish mind is not completely satisfying. my escape from doing what HE wants me to with my every breath.

by HE, i mean God, our Father and Savior.

i find it hard to recognize apathy if God is in the box under my bed (which lets be honest He winds up there a lot of the time. i find it quite convenient. it allows me to be free. HA!). then when I attempt to bring him out, i start caring again, get frustrated, and shove Him back under for a few more days...weeks... months...

it is an endless cycle i have been attempting to escape from for most of my life..

concerning, some christians might say.
normal is the word i would label it with. (and please note that i didn't just give myself two thumbs up for my actions i labeled them normal, as in something every human is guilty of..)


lately though, i feel like i have been caring too much... like apathy is the least of my worries... like i can't leave behind anything i feel, anything i think, anything i see...everything effects me and in the worst of ways. it is a struggle of a new kind. a struggle i feel as though God is trying to teach me something through...

but what?

is he trying to teach me about I...
or about LOVE....
or about YOU....


or is the great man above simply trying to give me a lesson about allowing apathy to rule my life so often and what the other end of the spectrum looks like. if so, i'm enjoying the lesson, whichever one it is.

maybe this time i will actually learn something...