broken in a broken world

last night i gave up.

for those of you that know me well, you know that is a bold statement. i have never "given up" in my life.

(we won't discuss the organic chemistry class my sophomore year of college. that was a different type of giving up...)

last night i gave up on me. i decided i couldn't do it. i decided i needed an out, an escape. i needed my life back.

and then i walked up the stairs, received a hug, had a talk and walk with a good friend and everything was ok again. i decided not to give up.

how can one be broken when they are surrounded by brokenness. how do we prevent from becoming broken. i don't want to be callused but i also don't want to fall into a pit of despair. i want and need balance in my life and it is something i am striving to figure out every day.

you set boundaries you say. you stay in the word. you seek out mentors and a support system. but still there is something that breaks us. something that crumbles us up into little pieces and makes us feel more like a mess that needs to be swept up than a human being.

being a person is rough around the edges. damn.

why in these moments when we feel overly defeated do we tend to think of Armageddon.. the world is ending... there is nothing we can do.

why is being broken so hard.

and one more thing...

and on a side note i have decided to go to nursing school...
and i have decided i am going to love every painful moment of it.

and then when i forget the painfulness, i am going to get my doctorate and certification in either pediatrics or midwifery.

and one last thing, i am going to strive to do this at the university of kansas.
yes, i will be a jayhawk.

i. and love. and you (and other apathetic ponderings)

it seems as though i only think to express my thoughts with the changing of the seasons.
maybe the change in temperature motivates me...
or relaxes me...
or makes me happy.

God only knows.

it is funny how much time can pass in an individuals life without the mindset that they have changing at all. some call it stability. i call it apathy.

apathy is a scary concept...
it prevents change...
it prevents growth...
it prevents individual thought.

at times I actually LOVE apathy. don't YOU?

it is my escape from reality. my escape from a life that in my selfish mind is not completely satisfying. my escape from doing what HE wants me to with my every breath.

by HE, i mean God, our Father and Savior.

i find it hard to recognize apathy if God is in the box under my bed (which lets be honest He winds up there a lot of the time. i find it quite convenient. it allows me to be free. HA!). then when I attempt to bring him out, i start caring again, get frustrated, and shove Him back under for a few more days...weeks... months...

it is an endless cycle i have been attempting to escape from for most of my life..

concerning, some christians might say.
normal is the word i would label it with. (and please note that i didn't just give myself two thumbs up for my actions i labeled them normal, as in something every human is guilty of..)


lately though, i feel like i have been caring too much... like apathy is the least of my worries... like i can't leave behind anything i feel, anything i think, anything i see...everything effects me and in the worst of ways. it is a struggle of a new kind. a struggle i feel as though God is trying to teach me something through...

but what?

is he trying to teach me about I...
or about LOVE....
or about YOU....


or is the great man above simply trying to give me a lesson about allowing apathy to rule my life so often and what the other end of the spectrum looks like. if so, i'm enjoying the lesson, whichever one it is.

maybe this time i will actually learn something...