forming habits

i'm beginning to think i'm more of an "occasional" person.

occasionally i like to read, blog, do photography, exercise, etc.

sometimes i feel like i never really know what i actually enjoy. so with a turning of a season in my life, i have decided to make an effort to form some good habits. to start new, because in this time and place where God has called me, i feel like i have that opportunity.

so here's to taking more time for myself, exercising more, trying some new recipes, blogging (at least twice per week), and having some hobbies that aren't consumed by those around me. i'm excited that each day is a new day and i have the freedom to create my life into one that is peaceful and glorifies our creator.

broken in a broken world

last night i gave up.

for those of you that know me well, you know that is a bold statement. i have never "given up" in my life.

(we won't discuss the organic chemistry class my sophomore year of college. that was a different type of giving up...)

last night i gave up on me. i decided i couldn't do it. i decided i needed an out, an escape. i needed my life back.

and then i walked up the stairs, received a hug, had a talk and walk with a good friend and everything was ok again. i decided not to give up.

how can one be broken when they are surrounded by brokenness. how do we prevent from becoming broken. i don't want to be callused but i also don't want to fall into a pit of despair. i want and need balance in my life and it is something i am striving to figure out every day.

you set boundaries you say. you stay in the word. you seek out mentors and a support system. but still there is something that breaks us. something that crumbles us up into little pieces and makes us feel more like a mess that needs to be swept up than a human being.

being a person is rough around the edges. damn.

why in these moments when we feel overly defeated do we tend to think of Armageddon.. the world is ending... there is nothing we can do.

why is being broken so hard.

and one more thing...

and on a side note i have decided to go to nursing school...
and i have decided i am going to love every painful moment of it.

and then when i forget the painfulness, i am going to get my doctorate and certification in either pediatrics or midwifery.

and one last thing, i am going to strive to do this at the university of kansas.
yes, i will be a jayhawk.

i. and love. and you (and other apathetic ponderings)

it seems as though i only think to express my thoughts with the changing of the seasons.
maybe the change in temperature motivates me...
or relaxes me...
or makes me happy.

God only knows.

it is funny how much time can pass in an individuals life without the mindset that they have changing at all. some call it stability. i call it apathy.

apathy is a scary concept...
it prevents change...
it prevents growth...
it prevents individual thought.

at times I actually LOVE apathy. don't YOU?

it is my escape from reality. my escape from a life that in my selfish mind is not completely satisfying. my escape from doing what HE wants me to with my every breath.

by HE, i mean God, our Father and Savior.

i find it hard to recognize apathy if God is in the box under my bed (which lets be honest He winds up there a lot of the time. i find it quite convenient. it allows me to be free. HA!). then when I attempt to bring him out, i start caring again, get frustrated, and shove Him back under for a few more days...weeks... months...

it is an endless cycle i have been attempting to escape from for most of my life..

concerning, some christians might say.
normal is the word i would label it with. (and please note that i didn't just give myself two thumbs up for my actions i labeled them normal, as in something every human is guilty of..)


lately though, i feel like i have been caring too much... like apathy is the least of my worries... like i can't leave behind anything i feel, anything i think, anything i see...everything effects me and in the worst of ways. it is a struggle of a new kind. a struggle i feel as though God is trying to teach me something through...

but what?

is he trying to teach me about I...
or about LOVE....
or about YOU....


or is the great man above simply trying to give me a lesson about allowing apathy to rule my life so often and what the other end of the spectrum looks like. if so, i'm enjoying the lesson, whichever one it is.

maybe this time i will actually learn something...

For Everthing There is a Season...

Summer is fun in Denver.
It snowed in May. It might snow in June. It is 100 during the day and 45 at night.

I love it.

The summer comes to the mile high city as Drew and I begin a new season in this wonderful adventure we like to call life. The end of May we moved from our snazzy seminary apartment in the safe land of suburbanites to downtown Denver, half a block off Colfax, into a basement apartment in home filled with brokenness, hurt, and yet an overwhelming amount of LOVE.

My job is to love, support, direct, and place accountability on a group of women who have no where else to turn. To believe in women whom no one else believes in. To love people whom everyone else has turned there back on. To teach them how to be independent, confident, self-believing and god fearing women. A mighty task.

and i am scared...

this is going to be a growing experience. one in which i am stretched. they are stretched. i learn. they learn. and we all fight the fight of life together. it is going to be a season in which god is continuously making me uncomfortable, but that uncomfortableness is the most rewarding prize of them all. it is going to be a season in which we all learn who we really are.

in a little over a week, i have already built a connection with the women that i believe will last a life time. i have worked through chaos and trials and have seen love through it all. as self sacrificing as one might see me as to take this position, the women whom drew and i live with are even more self-sacrificing. they are incredible examples of truly giving up your self to LIVE a season of change within your life.

if only we who are not viewed as unfortunate could give up to allow for the same season....

so that is my prayer.
that i would be completely self-sacrificing.
that i would give everything up.
that everything would equal myself...
and that i would truly live this season in my life.

fall is my favorite

it is always strange when you move to a new place. and maybe this post will be somewhat repetitive but i must speak my mind. you never quite know when you fit in. you never quite know how much of an effort to make. at least i don't.

i'm not very good at meeting people. making friends. being personable. then again. maybe i am. it is just that i feel uncomfortable in situations where i know no one. maybe it is a confidence issue. something i should work on. that's more than likely what it is.

i tribute my need for confidence to a season of growth. a season of learning. i feel like the season is changing, and that i am entering this new season a more mature, more responsible, better, and stronger person.

i am just not sure the confidence is there. i guess that comes with time. we will wait and see.

change is occurring in my life on a daily basis. but it is all relative. it is what i, what we, what drew and i, make of it. i am so excited for this change but i feel like it is missing something.

community. we are still striving to find and to build a community here in the mountains. we are searching for a church home, after leaving one that we so dearly loved. we compare everything to reality. when reality should be the spiritual growth and sense of community we gain from a group of people we call church. our 'reality' can be anywhere...

god is still working. still growing. still teaching. still learning us. and will be for a long time. the community. the confidence. and all of the blessing come from him. and only HIM.

i am reaching out. praying. asking for community. for confidence. for time management. for wise decisions. for our lords guidance and blessing over everything we do and every decision we make.

the seasons are changing.
and i am most excited....

for fall is my favorite.

life is a wonderful adventure

life is an adventure.
unpredictable.
fascinating.
excruciating.
but most importantly, a truly amazing blessing.

for the last couple of months. our life has been the opposite of normal. and the normalcy of "real" life, whatever that may be, was something i had been deeply longing for. searching for. reaching for.

it is hard to believe we have been in denver only two and a half weeks. it already feels like home. i was blessed to be offered two jobs immediately, and am settling into a full time position at an urgent care clinic. drew has been offered two positions, one as a back-up security guard on the seminary campus and the other as an on-call janitor, also on the campus.

we are truly at peace. peace with where we are. peace with calling the denver area home. peace with almost everything...

i started classes today. and it was truly the hardest thing. the usually apprehension that begets the first day of any school semester was noticeably absent. maybe its because i am growing up. maybe its because i have learned a lot in the past year and what i learned has made me a more confident and strong individual. amazing how life changes you without you having the slightest clue.

besides the absenteeism of apprehension, i was missing one other thing today.
people.
it wasn't for the lack of human bodies - 90,000 between the three schools located on auraria campus - strolling the sidewalks. it was my people. or those who i like to call my people. my closest friends. the ones who would drop everything for you. the ones who i haven't seen since january.

it was the strangest feeling to be in a classroom setting without them. its been the strangest feeling this last year or so to not have them as an every day part of my life. but i was somewhat secure in knowing that each and every one of them contributed to the person who i have become.

so heres to you kyle, rebekah, emily, amanda, april, jon, daniel, pickle, steven, katie, jamie... our original transfer cult. and the special people we let in.

life is different without you.
but life is a wonderful adventure.